Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
