I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
