what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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