so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Come see our sink grown plant.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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