Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
