Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
