I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
