hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
