she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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