Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize