By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Dignity is for republicans.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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