Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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