What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
