his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
