Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
a search helicopter?!
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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