on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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