Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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