After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
