I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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