She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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