when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
