how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
