I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize