i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
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