She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
