Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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