Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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