I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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