If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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