Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
