last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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