i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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