also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
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