My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
