You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
