I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
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