Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
