I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize