true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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