I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
We need to rekindle our bromance
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
