grandma shit on top of the toilet
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
