I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
