What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
