There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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