Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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