god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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