am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
