people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
