My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize