Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
