I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
