roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
