but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
