I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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