The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize