I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
