dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
