Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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