Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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