So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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