Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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