you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
