I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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