Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
