tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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