i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I wish there were birth control emojis
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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