She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
