I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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